Sunflower diaries

Sunflower diaries

I turned twenty-five years old two weeks ago. It feels like a big milestone. I remember been younger and fantasizing about getting older and being accomplished by twenty-five. I had a difference sense of what being accomplished would be back then and it was more centered around material things and what society expected of me. The age fifteen was a milestone for me and fast forward ten years later, it is amazing how much I have learned and how much I’ve grown as a human being. It took me about eight years since I turned fifteen years old to understand that my destiny is my own hands and that I am the one with directions to my path. It took many self-help books, heartbreak and guides and mentors to finally master that understanding and it felt amazing to be in that space of personal power when I turned twenty-five years old.

Ps: Below is a picture of me ringing my birthday at midnight in my pink robe with homemade cupcakes and wine from my amazing friend and the rest were taken in Maine on my birthday.

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Buoyancy

Buoyancy

Silver spoon in perfect mouth,

sneakers running on fresh grass,

life passing through windows,

girls laughing at a restaurant.

Boys sitting by the water,

sunset at the horizon,

kisses between two soulmates.

Morning ritual of tea and banana,

oranges with warm toast and butter,

hands holding a body in adornment.

Heavy tears flowing out of a broken heart,

sadness as a chain choking a neck,

a mother laying dead on the ground.

Sisters fist fighting in a small room,

fathers trying their personal best,

girls punching anger out of themselves.

Calling ex boyfriend’s aunt for closure,

there is no shame in loving boys who left but,

not enough contempt to love husbands, not ours.

Long walks on winter evenings eating love,

writing stories we thought would become a lifetime.

Hands clenching a back in pain,

alleviating wounds only love can heal.

Mothers should live as long as their daughters,

sons are nurtured by their mother’s love,

all children want their parents to be present.

Benches in schools where we spent lunch breaks,

building the kind of friendship teenagers do best,

unaware of how quickly we would grow into adults.

Taking a hammer to one’s own heart and wrecking it,

then picking up the pieces to reassemble a stronger heart.

Standing by the water to call out God for answers,

with the mind replaying memories of the past,

and the present coming to a standstill at a crossroads.

Sharing intimacy with naked bodies in a stranger’s bed,

opening up about the boy we truly loved.

Brisk morning walk with wind in the hair,

breath of fresh air and calm thoughts to induce serenity.

Our humanity grounds us on earth,

as we catapult into actions and reactions,

living yet resisting life until it forces us to surrender.

It’s all mine

It’s all mine

The sum of my trials and mistakes added up to the painting of my life.

I became an orphan too soon and grew into a motherless daughter.

When the errors of my life emerge to haunt me, I call out to my mother,

wishing she would answer and then I sit quietly in the dark to listen.

I took a razor to shave my head as a self revolution and stood in the mirror,

like a warrior who didn’t know what she was fighting for.

I grabbed my own hand one day and said I was more than enough,

and buried my insecurities by a lake so it can be swallowed by the earth.

I didn’t see my own beauty because I didn’t have my mother as a mirror,

I looked for myself in books that felt like home and the last page always left me, lonely.

I loved a boy who was never meant to stay yet his love changed me,

so I still pray for his happiness and contentment.

I’ve learned to stand up for myself but sometimes I hit my head when I stand abruptly,

so I had to learn to stand up gently and sit down  a little longer when need be.

I have lost mother, father, self, romantic love but what hurts the most was not knowing,

who I was and where I left myself to rot. I had to go looking for myself to find me.

The roads that I’ve taken have led me to wonderful destinations but at times,

it hurts to think of the roots I had to abandon and the ones that left me.

I stood on a hill, lungs filled with gratitude and my mind filled with wonder,

from the places I’ve been and for the places I’m getting to.

I had to accept the soothing grace of humility through the irritability of my ego,

to love when there is anger and to forgive when I felt righteous.

Everywhere I’ve been, everything I’ve eaten, all the choices I’ve made,

all the love I’ve given, all the love I’ve received gracefully,

all the falls I’ve had, each time I’ve stood again,

all the hurtful words I’ve spoken and burned myself with,

the offenses committed against me, the peace offerings I’ve held in my heart,

each day since the day out of my mother’s womb,

all of it, is my life. All of it.